Only try

I saw two tears on my face...they dropped down to the table, and I was alone...I couldn't believe that they escaped from me. It was incredible the fact that I was watching a strange video on TV. I felt only pain. I didn't want to feel pain anymore, but destiny probably (or it was only my fault) had another idea. Really I don't know how I feel, really I don't believe in nothing anymore, I can't understand anymore. I'm the unforgiven. Unforgiven by myself. I'm damned in any language...In my mind, suicide vampire...I can't escape my mind, I can't free my mind, I haven't little tranquillity to continue, to continue my life. I'm not alone, but I have lost my security, my certainties, I can't do anything. Everytime I try to make something, I see only me against a great wall of fire and flames. I can't trespass it. I never wanted to accept myself, and I finished becoming a useless person. I can do nothing of myself. But I want to continue to try, to get out blood. I'll go, but nowhere. In this way I'll go to the land of nobody, of nowhere, nothing will be there. Only something of me, and my fantasy about me. Fantasy, 'cause it is really only this...Fantasy of a man closed in a little tower of glass, without sound, without air. Only horror, only pain. I won't swim in my tears. We have a meeting only once ev'ry six months...And you, what do you think about me? I know that I'm depressed. Ev'rything is my delusion. I can see in your faces my failure. In a lonely word, useless, is imprisoned my soul. And my body is the only thing that could save me in this moment from something that visits frequently my mind. Someone said me, if you want peace prepare for war. It's the only thing I've understood, the problem is that I can't believe in me, and I'm blocked. One of my hands stops the other one, and my mind blocks ev'ry part of myself. The othes are other me sometimes, alter-egoes, but I believe that ev'ryone is different from each other, and I never had some quality, only my force of will. But it's not enough. All of them have capacities, and believes, desires...My only desire is very strange, and too difficult to apprehend, impossible to be accepted. I have to fight on and on and on and on...But nothing could make me feel happy. Nothing. It's an impossible mission for me. And so I have only to try to realize myself in other manners, following other ways, but I always return here, without nothing and with the sensation my life is void. It'll be with any sense tryin' to put my hand through my heart and my brain and try to wake up them. They're sleeping. And I will soon be between thousands mirrors, thousands dreams, thousands falls. What does make me happy? What sets me free? I feel like I have to stand up only for the pleasure of someone who loves watching me fall down again...I'm lost, left with nothing, like all the times I tried to saw me in a different way I always saw me under that light, and no one said to me that I'm wrong, I don't know why, and maybe I'll never understand the causes of their behaviour with me in every situation of my life. I'll continue to try, but this time I wanna try to demonstrate, I wanna try to be, I wanna try to can.